way too much cheese
September 15th 2007 09:35 pm
This is the story of why I got 6 pounds of cheese in the mail. There’s this really fancy grocery store Andronico’s that is conveniently located on my way to work. It’s full of opulent and comically expensive foodstuffs, like a $10 jar of sea salt imported from Sicily. Normally I would have no business shopping there, but a while back I discovered the day old meat section in the butcher’s department. Of course it’s still perfectly fine meat, just not worth the exorbitant amount of money it would normally sell for. So I make a habit of going there pretty much every day on the way home from work to pick up some high-quality, drastically discounted meat that I immediately throw on the grill for dinner. It’s great.
Andronico’s also puts out little samples of very expensive food products on toothpicks that I like to munch on while in transit to the day old meat section. They especially do this on Saturday, and if you go at the right time you can pretty much make a meal out of it. A couple of weeks ago I had an experience that would forever change my perception of cheese. I picked up a toothpick with a little 1cm cube of cheese like I had done a million times before, but this one literally stopped me in my tracks when I ate it. I stood in the middle of the isle, floored by the taste sensations unfolding in my mouth. When I regained my composure, I went back to see what exactly I had just eaten. It was Beemster XO.
Immediately I ate about 6 more of the little sample cubes and picked up a big chunk for the road. The stuff was $21/pound, definitely not cheep but very much worth it. I spent the rest of the night curled up with my chunk of XO and a box of crackers, on a culinary spirit journey. I came to learn much about the cheese: Beemster is produced in the eponymous municipality in the Netherlands. Technically it’s an aged gouda, but that’s like saying a Rolls-Royce is technically a car. Besides, you’d never pin it as a gouda by its taste. It’s impossible to adequately describe, but the Beemster experience is a roller coaster ride that goes through several distinct taste stages and leaves you with the feeling of complete satisfaction. The cheese has some interesting physical characteristics too. It’s hard like parmesan and if you look closely you can see little white specs in it. According to the Beemster FAQ these are actually protein crystals - a product of the 26 month aging process it goes through. They have an interesting flavor and crunch that adds an idiosyncratic dimension of awesomeness.
Over the course of the next week I ended up spending about $60 on cheese, at which point I realized I could not support a Beemster habit in my current financial situation. So I sought a cheaper source. Unfortunately, all the Beemster in the world is produced in one location that necessitates such things as the perfect nutritional content of the grass that the cows snack on, giving rise to perfect-quality milk, and the fact that the town of Beemster is located 20 feet below sea level, creating a unique climate in which to age the cheese, etc. etc. In other words, there is only Beemster and you should accept no substitute. They have limited distributors in America and it was only by happy coincidence that my day-old-meat retailer of Andronico’s is one of the few in California. Seemingly I was trapped in a $21/pound cheese habit with no escape. That is, until I noticed that igourmet.com also carries the product, for only $15.99. I knew it was time to invest.
I noticed that igourmet.com was having a special on Beemster classic, which is the same as the XO variety, only it’s aged 18 months instead of 24. They were selling a 6 pound block, which came with a free knife, for only $69.99. I consulted with my financial advisor and concluded this was an opportunity not to be missed, so I placed an order post haste. UPS delivered the goods a few days later, arriving in a very large and strangely cold box. I opened it to discover what could have well been the shipping method for an organ transplant: the cheese was buried in a styrofoam container along with several cold packs and pieces of insulating material.
And then there was the knife. When you get something that comes with something else for free, you expect the free thing to be a piece of junk, right? Well igourmet.com does not mess around like that. Along with my cheese they gave me what could more accurately be described as a machete than a knife. It’s about 2 feet long, incredibly sharp, and has a solid, sturdy feel to it. You could definitely use it to defend yourself in a post-apocalyptic urban warzone, for example. It goes through the 4 inch-thick cheese like butter, and I love it. Did I mention that the knife came with it’s own wearable branded knife holder?
For the past two days I’ve had Beemster for lunch and dinner. I hate to say it, but I fear the honeymoon is over. I am now realizing that 6 pounds is a lot of cheese and I really don’t know what to do with it. I hacked off about a pound from the master piece of cheese, basically an aliquot that I am working on slowly. The remaining 5-ish pounds are in the refrigerator, hermetically sealed as per the very detailed instructions on the FAQ. Does anybody want some cheese? Seriously, I will send you some of this very high-quality cheese, my treat. For now the best plan I have is to start leaving large blocks along with a box of crackers and a big sign saying EAT ME in random locations, like Johnny Appleseed.
Adrian responded on 16 Sep 2007 at 3:34 am #
I remember this cheese. It was seriously good.
Adrian responded on 16 Sep 2007 at 3:48 am #
Also, you should connect straps to that knife case and wear that bad boy as a sling across your back. No one would mess with you then.
libs responded on 17 Sep 2007 at 2:04 am #
I’ll be over later for some of that cheese. For reals, it is good. And the little cubes on toothpicks is a brilliant marketing strategy– I’ve fallen for it while in Whole Foods (which explains the $7.49 morsel of aged Gouda in my fridge.)
jonathan lee marcus responded on 17 Sep 2007 at 2:31 am #
ack. Both you and Jesse have this knack for telling stories in a manner that elicits much beverage snarfing and cramping of stomach and cheek muscles.
I once got semi-addicted to Mimolette, especially the extra-aged variety (looks like a geode before being cut). also to Pantaleo from Sardina. and Murcia al Vino. and Red Draqgon. FUCK.. help me………
?*? responded on 17 Sep 2007 at 3:38 am #
Maybe there will be a massive zombie invasion soon, and you’ll be able to make proper use of the ginormous knife.
sam responded on 17 Sep 2007 at 4:56 am #
I want some of the cheese, should i send u my address
aldehyde responded on 17 Sep 2007 at 5:04 am #
I’ve had this, its incredible. Last year my roommate’s parents sent us baskets of cheese and crackers and we had pounds and pounds of awesome cheese. That much cheese is a responsibility.
You should make some fromage fort: http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD_9936_28891,00.html
Mean 3Monkey responded on 17 Sep 2007 at 4:12 pm #
Some folks call it a sling blade. I call it a kaiser blade.
Gus responded on 17 Sep 2007 at 6:00 pm #
With great cheese comes great responsibility.
Leo responded on 17 Sep 2007 at 9:17 pm #
I’m a big fan of Kaltbach Gruyere (also cave aged, but for only 12 months).
You may enjoy it as much as this cheese, and it sells for $12/lb at Trader Joe’s. Of course, no free knife
-=Leo
milkshake responded on 18 Sep 2007 at 12:24 am #
Some people swear that those crystals are crystalline pure tyrosine. My guess though is that it is actually calcium phosphate - you know, casein is held soluble by phosphotyrosines that are there as calcium salt. Chymosine precipitates casein by cleaving the phosphates off. And so on. It should be very easy to find out what it is - just dissolve the crystals in HCl, filter and inject into HPLC. If it is tyrosine you should see a nice peak.
You got overgorged on good stuff. Give it a break for few months - seal the unused stuff in beeswax and keep it in cold place, it will age and get even better. But do not freeze it.
I can get quite crazy after premium teas - once I was greedy and bought a 3 kilo bag of top-brand of mate, and I got an excellent bulk price. Some months later I found myself with 2.8 kilos of it and trying to convince my various friend to try my Yerba mate. I think they probably still have it - unless they used it to exterminate slugs in the back yard. (I also worried what would happen if police stopped me, with these aromatic grass-like clippings in a plastic bag…)
aldehyde responded on 18 Sep 2007 at 3:17 am #
btw dylan, you have no idea how happy we are you have a blog again–keep the organic out if you have to, but you are awesome.
excimer responded on 18 Sep 2007 at 3:33 am #
I think this calls for a wine and cheese orgy on a level yet unseen by graduate students everywhere. Fine European cheese and Franzia. Velveeta and a 2003 Syrah from oregon.
tom responded on 18 Sep 2007 at 3:34 am #
I think there must be a novel neurotransmitter in bedded within most cheeses to make them extra tasty.
milkshake responded on 18 Sep 2007 at 7:39 am #
yes, it is called glutamate, also known as MSG
albert responded on 18 Sep 2007 at 10:51 am #
Oh my god! Pinch me if I’m dreaming: Dylan is back!
milkshake responded on 18 Sep 2007 at 10:59 pm #
Yes, God is merciful and Dylan is His prophet
Jim responded on 19 Sep 2007 at 8:38 pm #
Dylan,
Read your wiki page; clearly those Spirotryprostatin B boys like their cheese and wine. I can attest to Ganesan’s excellently (and heavily) stocked cellar.
evgeny responded on 20 Sep 2007 at 12:52 am #
Yeah, I used to eat a lot of cheese too. Until I suddenly noticed in the winter that I gained an extra twenty pounds. It took a lot of effort to get those off. Now I just stick to 200 grams of Stilton every two weeks on fine artisan baked bread. Plus, it does decrease your spending by quite a bit, despite the fact that now you don’t have anything to eat while playing Civ 4 and drinking copious amounts of “Black Box wines”.
http://www.blackboxwines.com/
P.S. I’m not a spokesperson for a box wine company. I’m the same evgeny from before.
jesse stiles responded on 20 Sep 2007 at 7:47 pm #
dylan just mailed me a big wad of this stuff. now *i’m* addicted. fuck!
Sasha responded on 22 Sep 2007 at 2:18 am #
dude save some for me i’ll be in CA oct 4!!! and come to my beach party, it’s tomorrow night Sep 22!!!!! duh.
Wavefunction responded on 02 Oct 2007 at 7:02 pm #
go dylan
cheyanimal responded on 03 Oct 2007 at 1:00 am #
I too have purchased this cheese. Its awesome. I also got a free stuffed mouse for my trouble.
ZAL responded on 03 Oct 2007 at 1:42 pm #
Welcome BACK! WOW! That just made my (pretty poor until now) day!
Stephen responded on 02 Nov 2007 at 8:41 pm #
I’ve worked in a cheese shop for 7+ years. I believe those flavor crystals you’re looking at are actually salt deposits. For cheeses like gouda, parmesian, cheddar, and gruyere, when they age the water content in the cheese evaporates up and out the sides….in the aging rooms/caves they call it cheese-sweat, and employees regularly wipe down/turn the rounds every so often. The salt, however, stays behind. You most often see this in those very aged goudas and cheddars over a couple years old.
I recommend trying Old Amsterdam (aged gouda, black wax), or one of those 4 yr. old cheddars out of Vermont. There are also aged goat’s milk goudas that I think you might like.
Andronico’s is great. If you’re up in SF, try hitting up Say Cheese. If you take the N-Judah MUNI line west from any BART station you get off at Carl & Cole and its right there. They got some good stuff.
james responded on 02 Feb 2008 at 12:40 am #
I found the XO at central market, here in austin, for 15.99/lb. bought it on a whim. best fucking cheese ever.
dylanstiles.com » comically large block of cheese responded on 10 Mar 2008 at 10:07 pm #
[…] comically large block of cheese […]
joel responded on 22 May 2008 at 6:46 pm #
To me this cheese tastes like a wickedly aged cheddar with the texture and aftertaste of cave-aged gruyère. All-in-all a very good cheese, but it is far too strong for me to eat regularly. Do you have any favourite gruyère cheeses?
Jonathan Nil responded on 22 Sep 2008 at 3:42 am #
Tasting this cheese pressed upon me by a cheesemonger in Seattle opened up a whole new world of cheese to me too. I thought I had had gouda and didn’t like it, but I knew nothing! Since then I’ve become cheese crazy.
Try ‘midnight moon’ sometime too. It’s marketted by an american company with that name, but is actually a dutch cheese too. It’s _goat’s milk_ aged gouda, and is very similar but also different and to me just as good as the beemster xo.
mr.pierce responded on 22 Dec 2008 at 2:03 pm #
Hi! I also am a cheesemonger/researcher/trivialist and in said research I have seen clonclusive labratory studies determining the crystals to be calcium lactase crystals. Just so you know! Of course i sell the aforementioned cheese and many others which contain the happy little crunchies. Happy holidays!
Ary responded on 05 May 2009 at 5:51 pm #
HAHAHA!
You are so entertaining to read. Love your story… OMG I’m a cheese fanatic, and I know exactly what you mean about the honeymoon being over… I always buy too much at once, but a couple weeks later I’m back at it. Cheers!
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